Random Quotes

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So I have the habit of if I hear a quote I like or think is hilarious I will put it down in a note and this is the random list that I have complied thus far. I’ll be honest some of them are stuff my friends and family have said put most come from shows and most of them I have no idea lol.

-She is cheap wine that gives you a headache that you can feel in your teeth!!!

-Short version or long complicated version?

-What’s wrong your blow up doll run off with a pool toy?

-I’ve been hurt by you so much I’m pretty much a scab

-What are you doing?!?
-Having dinner?
-No that’s suicide with meatball bullets!

-That’s your cousin?!?
-Choose your next words carefully…

-Your apology is noted and your forgiveness is pending

-I feel like I’m going all in on a pair of tens

-And by small you mean astronomically large?

-What we aren’t dating! I don’t have to pay attention to you!

-Now the only thing to do is drink until the part of the brain that makes mental images is dead!

-Your like micheal jacksons father your abusing me right now!

-He is like the KGB he’s everywhere

-Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
*shakes head in disbelieve*
-No I am not!

-He’s quiet he’s happy let’s not rock the boat!

-Where else can you buy so much hope for so little? (talking about a gas station with lottery tickets)

-You still shoot the ducks. I just row the boat!

-Objection it’s just rude to acuess me of murder!

-I haven’t had sex in a year (cuts of quickly)
-Where are you going with this

-Just because I talk slow doesn’t mean I am

-Become your own buffy and fight your own demons…

-We don’t have hell we have acid reflux (Jewish)
-Oh god I’m in Jewish hell (taking about heart burn)

-Well it looks like we killed the pig and no one wanted bacon

-Why do you make me be mean to you

-Anybody know what time it is in Mexico?
-Cantena time

-Even arms dealers need groceries

-Some people play checkers while some of us play chess…

-Let’s find out how far inside the castle walls this Trojan horse has rode.

-We aren’t working hard enough if no one is trying to kill us

-I’m aware that you speak several languages. As far as I know I haven’t used one you don’t know.

-Thanks for the tip Martha Stewart

-He can get you anything you want for a price. Anything…but the price is far to high to pay.

-Live dangerously is my creed

-What happened to protocal?
-It went out the perverbial window

-It’s my experiance if you drive at someone they’ll clear out

-Your a good kid but today is a good day to grow the hell up!

-Fair winds and following seas

-you got to let a lot of old stuff go and  learn a lot of new stuff to fill it’s place.

-yes the hair! It’s one of the things that makes me happy

-it could be worse there could be brain leaking out of my ears…

-there is definently something wrong with this guy!
-why is that?
-He listens to folk music.

-he’s meaner than a shot grizzly

-shoot him daddy!

-your my father so if you love me you’ll shoot him!

-he said it again! Shoot him!

-what am I some sort of Chinese food prostitute?

-he has an overactive bladder when he is stressed…much like a puppy!

-and here I was just getting used to my door being treated as a door…

-hey we where just easedropping like little girls

-I’d tell you it gets better but I’d be lying…rum helps though..it helps a lot

-so your innocent
-like a puppy…well like the puppy you use to run into the bushes to make all the birds fly out so you can shoot them …

-I’m sorry your girlfriend turned out to be a cylon (sp)

-I would like to find the men that did this and put their heads on spears
-Is that what you did in the old days?
-They changed the rules not I

-I need to get tipsy before I gets drunk

-I just emptied my car into my purse

-You know how many zeros I have?

-I’m gonna trap stamp that truck up real quick!

-I think my balls are too heavy! (Bowling balls)

-We are going to get then to put our racks up!

-Shaquietta!

-If there is a bone sticking out I look skinny! Put it on Facebook!

-Chip chip cheerio!

-Can you bring your c game over to my side!?

-Your a bowl shark!

-But don’t bump it in the car at mcdonalds!

-I still have my d game on

-We are after whatever we can find…

-Sharpening the spears in gonna have to wait

-We can ruin your career and we can defiantly ruin your life.

-In your career how many men have you shot?
-Shot or killed?

-Even if this place burns to the ground that vault would still be standing

-Do you here that? That is the sound track to the rest of your miserable ilife!

-You can’t outrun your shadow

-Who that guy? He’s stupid!?! Did you see his glasses?

-I know we messed up and that was unfortunate

-I hear familiar giggling

-Did we break any biblical laws?

-That’s not a party that’s a hostage situation!

-You have the spine of a gummy bear

-A person gets a look in there eyes when time is running out

-It was a moment of whimsey

-What are you doing?
-I have no good answer…

-The only feeling you distill in me is need to flee!

-Christianity spreads like that shit like herpes
(random guy in class)

-Eyes forward bottom feeder

-rule number 35: always watch the watchers

-how can something with such little ears have such bionic hearing!?

-Doctors appointments are like marriages. it’s an unpleasant commitment

-This is like probable cause on wheels!

-I know your having a disturbingly difficult time with this

-If anyone is going to ruin my sons wedding it’s me!

-If you play in the weeds your gonna get ticks

-That’s rope music! It makes you want to hang yourself

-I’m not particularly listening

-You hit me
-I was trying to save you!?!

-I spent that last two days trying to pretend I didn’t see the look in his eyes…the look of betrayal

-you saw what you wanted to see

-Just don’t get dead

-I need a hug
(Looks back at empty room)
-sorry I have company
(Shuts door)

-I don’t know what color lonely is
-what?
-red is angry green is jealousy blue is sad and yellow is frightened I guess we could assign a color for lonely

-my recommendation is you gobble these up like tic tacs

-your whimsey is boundless

-gals? Who are you Fred flinstone?

-I can’t do this anymore I’m a good girl! I went to catholic school!

-Is there a station somewhere were I can board this giggle train

-omg you are going to gibber gabber about gibber gabber!!!

-Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend are hanging out together…that can only be good for you….

-it’s like he is trying to win a prize

-They making sheet music?

-pulling one out of your play book is he?

-are you hoping these ghost tell you what you want to hear?

-there is a  ancient greek phrase burned onto the back of the vault door
-What does it say?
-I don’t know it’s in ancient Greek

-you know what else narrows it down? He’s a Titan!?!

-You and me are the center…
-And the center must hold

-president pictures you say?
(talking about cash)

-man up! Or at least boy up!

-that’s not a word
-it came out of my mouth didn’t it?

-I’m always under pressure! I feel like I live in a pressure cooker!?!

-He looks like a fireman!!!!!

-we will talk tomorrow
-don’t threaten me!

-Recon? what are you black ops?

-if your gonna be a bear be a grizzly!

-I can’t take you to dinner dressed like a street urchin we will stop by your house and get adult clothing

-If someone has the bubonic plague they aren’t invited to the party

-you always have a choice and you have already made it

-distrusting me was the smartest thing you did since getting off your horse

-I have a touch of hangover don’t push me

-If we live through this remind me to thank you

-you heard what I spelled!

-you need to find your inner sex goddess instead of the little league coach

– he’s smart and crazy enough he might have actually created a monster

-and your covered in gas which I think is interesting

-your like my brother we hang out and drink beer

-news flash girls don’t like the three day rule it just makes us angry

-you don’t know nothing about nothing and I know that for a fact

-that’s it a rabbit! A big fat rabbit with all it’s shots!

-you have never understood politics have you
-no I understand I just don’t care

-I’ve always said one thing you can never go wrong investing in colts and winchesters

-Short version or long complicated version?

-What’s wrong your blow up doll run off with a pool toy?

-I’ve been hurt by you so much I’m pretty much a scab

-What are you doing?!?
-Having dinner?
-No that’s suicide with meatball bullets!

-That’s your cousin?!?
-Choose your next words carefully…

-Your apology is noted and your forgiveness is pending

-I feel like I’m going all in on a pair of tens

-And by small you mean astronomically large?

-What we aren’t dating! I don’t have to pay attention to you!

-Now the only thing to do is drink until the part of the brain that makes mental images is dead!

-Your like micheal jacksons father your abusing me right now!

-He is like the KGB he’s everywhere

-Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
*shakes head in disbelieve*
-No I am not!

-He’s quiet, he’s happy! Let’s not rock the boat!

-yes we have weapons no you can not wand us (walking through metal detector)

-he just blew up the plan!

-I knew a lynch once…you remind me of him

-You couldn’t see it if you saw it!

-Everything thats happened to me and I get shot by a child!!

~She’s lying!
~Maybe they tend to be vindictive when they find out you’ve been cheating on them

-no I’m not scared I’m rationally concerned!

-honestly?
-(lifts eyebrow with sarcastic look) no lie to me

-sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and accept it

-you won’t get a scene you’ll get a broadway musical!

-when are you going to stop lecturing me?
-when you start listening!

-don’t you ever read my blog!?! *much quitter* it’s gotten a lot better

-let’s go brainstorm
-that will be a light drizzle…

-he is speaking the international language of awoooga!

-I’m to damn short to see anything

-Dang Chere sorry for startling you when you’ve been traumatized

-were all just people

-I like to think of life as a scavenger hunt as a posed to a a surprise party

-that would knock a buzzard off a gut wagon

-you can’t fight me your miniature!

-some of your skeletons still have skin

-you will eat whatever I bring you and like it!
-yes we will

-why do you assume it was me?
-I’m an old woman don’t waste my time!

-I wanted to take a stick and blind myself!

-those must have tastes nasty!
-oh they were nasty they tasted like roasted dust bunnies..

-he must have friends in high places…I mean nose bleed high

-are you insane they have worked themselves into a man hating frenzy by now

-you said with the biting tone of a old bitty

-I’m glad i put on my lucky bra! He is worth every wire sticking into my rib cage!

-There is something I need to tell you, dad wanted to but I won the coin toss!

-I’m cautiously optimistic

-children is god’s way of punishing us for having sex

-It was golden!

-A whole lot of ugly from a never ending parade of stupid

-I fell like my eyelids are fat

-I peed on the puppy pad, I thoughts that’s what you wanted

-Sarah’s a killer! Look at this star fish!

-I’m I screaming!?!

You just have to believe sometimes

-It’s there problem not mine

-I’m not a free bleeder
-You are when you drink

-If I wake up and it says something in another language I’ll know it’s you!

-There brain ninjas…I’m a terrorist

-Your four o’clock drunk at 8:30

-My eyeballs feel like there gonna pop out of my head

-I hear that

-I’m king triton

-I’m not just one I’m two and one

-Are these mailbox numbers I love them!

-I don’t need a knife

-I’m going vegetarian slash lesbian

-He could hurt me if he wanted to

-I think it taste funny…it might be the vodka though

-Keisha theres gonna be a surprise party don’t let anyone fool you

-Is it a pizza roll

-Whatever cranks your tractor

-Apples! What the hell!?!

-Are they peach, apple or plastic?

-Sarah your not trying hard enough

-This ain’t spanking Robby it’s fire

-I dont get to look at it at home……please (Whitney talking about looking at porn)

-how can something with such little ears have such bionic hearing!?

-Doctors appointments is like marriage it’s an unpleasant commitment

-This is like probable cause on wheels!

-I know your having a disturbingly difficult time with this

-If anyone is going to ruin my sons wedding it’s me!

-If you play in the weeds your gonna get ticks

-That’s rope music! It makes you want to hang yourself

-I’m not particularly listening

-You hit me
-I was trying to save you!?!

-Once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself, I think it all kinda falls into place -Jennifer Aniston

-I have a certain set of skills I have acquired over the years

-how’s the wife
-still in charge

-I believe you but it isn’t going to save you

-To let true love remain unspoken is the quickest route to a heavy heart. –Warren Peace

-A dollar and a dream

– I don’t know what I was saying I hadn’t had lunch yet

-did you practice that?
-with hand gestures but I dropped those

-Your whistling in the wind

-let’s get to the rat killing

-you have to be a man first to be a gentlemen

-Keep this shut tighter than a nuns knees

-be careful I just might show you what’s behind the curtain

-She drinks whiskey from a tea cup

-they tiptoe around me like someone died

-I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate

-where are you going?
-a little place called shut up and stay here

-She can’t drink out of a cup! She’s gotta use a straw or she’d drown

-girls don’t take sons from there mothers
-yes they do that’s why we marry them!

-you ever take a drink of something and expect something else it

-all magic comes with a price

-love is the most powerful kind of magic as cliche as that sounds

-kisses can be very powerful don’t you read fairy tales

-despite what you’d hoped I’m still a monster
-that’s exactly why I must stay

-ain’t worth a snap!

-I think he is obsessed it’s sorta worrisome

-there are lines even we shouldn’t cross

-love has killed more than anything else

-isn’t that what life’s about holding on to good memories

-it’s the most powerful magic in the world that can break any curse but it must be protected

-I saved some for a rainy day
-well it’s storming like a bitch

-you have a bad day!

-it’s a doorway right? Doors open from both sides

-his brain is a bag full of cats you can smell crazy on him

-his secrets have secrets

-it cant be a gift it was mine to start with

-I see it now you are your mothers child

-I’m not going to kill you but I’m not going to save you either

-yes because you ruin everything your reptilian hands touch

-I try so hard
-maybe that’s the problem!

-sometimes you don’t have a choice

-anybody know how many bullets that psycho put in this gun? I sure don’t!

-why did you drive down here?
-why’d you leave that brazen message on my answering machine

-she said your a horn dog like your father

-I have a beach in front of my house do you know what gathers there? Bikinis! Do you know what they put in bikinis!?!

-I lied that’s a big part of being positive!

-we got some rough sledding in front of us

-I go through them like a saw trough a sick calf

-how does someone so big move so quiet!

-there are a lot on mines on this footpath

-tore up worse than a poor mans shoe

-do I look like a dog? ‘Cause only dogs want bones

-what the ho ho heck do you think your doing

-Sexier than socks on a rooster!

-I couldn’t find you guys so I bought six new friends…sadly three of them are dead (talking about beer)

-Yes the common cold like everyone else! You’d love that wouldn’t you!

-Oh sugar pie!

-What are you doing? Breaking into a woman’s apartment to clean?!?

-A well known folk lore cure  for insomnia is breaking into your neighbors apartment and clean!

-She asked me a question I should probably nod (thinking to himself)

-What’s wrong with him?
-He broke up with his imaginary girlfriend!

(Demonstrating how she hugged him)
-is that her perfume I smell? ( as he hugs him)
-yes intoxicating isn’t it?

-are you okay?
-did you spill ketchup?
-then no

-If a guy has a girlfriend is it cheating if–
-Yeah probably
-Let me finish!?!

-If it helps I have read all the moral authors including Dr. Suess!

-It’s worth noting he died of syphallis

-He is young and valuable and you are old enough to be his ancestor!

-Dear there is a gentleman here asking for your hand in marriage!?!
-Oh glory day now I won’t have to spend my dowry on pills and alcohol to numb the loneliness

-I want my life to be like an 80’s movie  preferably with a random musical number for no apparent reason

-it was a butter knife but you know what they say it’s a gate way knife

-I’m not judging you… but oh my God!

-I’ve gotten a lot of hugs today

-I unwittingly just sought advice from the father of my lynch mob

-you know nothing your saying is making me feel better

-we have a problem and when I say problem I mean global issue problem!

-sometimes you have to wear uncomfortable heels to fit in

-To risk another frown line on an already very crowded forehead

-why I’d fight me!

-we can’t do this we have to stay united! She will break you! She will break us! So no I am not going to fight you!

-if it was a choice it wouldn’t be a curse now would it?

-You look like you have a Grandaddy long leg on your head!

-I get it the guy raised bunnies and grew rainbows!

-The janitor inside me is turning off all the lights

-love and hate are horns on the same goat! And dear you need a goat!

-he’s a dirty trash can full of poop!

-Is that the only song you know?
-Yeah pretty much want to hear it again

-your going down snowflake!

-if you think I am going to allow a sex predator in a uniform into my house you have another thing coming! ( talking about instillation guy)

-civilians can’t know about magic…that would be complicated

-You need to keep a low profile
-Say’s that guy in the 550 year old raw hide trench coat…

-Left with nothing but some prescription grade abandonment issues

-I have never heard if by of those bags which is a good indicator that they are cool

-Love is a distraction

-It’s not very classy but there you go..

-Oh you are the most dreadful lier

-Some part of you no matter how small shares the same blood

-Magic is not a game! No short cuts!

-I’m convinced you exist to make my life a living hell!

-You looked more distressed than usual

-Big dramatic answer

-We heard thunder and saw lightning but there was no storm…this was a battle

-The outcome is doubtful? What does that mean?

-It will actually be kinda nice to be in a fox hole again

-I’m at peace with it…but I’m pissed

-You can’t be a sissy all your life

-Your wife started saving you money yet by hitting all those sales yet?

-How did you see that?
-Because I was looking for it

-The little details are by far the most important

-we call it a fugg party…it sounds really rude doesn’t it (talking about a fake ugg party)

-boy don’t you know in polite society it is appropriate to lie

-mister your grounded until you die!

-Ahh pa’ can’t I just look at the pretty man?

-All donations will be accepted (talking about sea shells)
-Shes the salvation army of shells

-Slicker than snot on a porcelain door knob!

-There is three things I know. Never mess with mother nature, mother in-laws, or mother freakin’ Ukrainians

– I didn’t even know this place existed
-it doesn’t

– this is a file number you need to visit the back room. You get to meet the record keeper.

-Martin died two years ago in a fire
-Martin has died many times

-why are you trying to kill me?
-Why would I be  trying to kill you?
-Because last time I saw you I was trying to kill you!

-I know this great place just up the road…lots of alligators

-You smell like Washington! She’s one of them!

-People get shot all the time
-No people get paper cuts
-I mostly get shot!?!

-I have known him for years and I have never seen him act like this. If you break his heart I will kill you and burry your body in the woods

-What are we looking at?
-95 pound of CF explosive  on a hair trigger…choose your wire carefully
(talking about a girl)

-He cut both wires….

-How much until you don’t see this…

-That’s not cute…your not cute

-How did you even get up there? Your legs are like four inches long!?!

-95 pounds of C4 explosives on a hair trigger…your in the hurt locker now!

-I like you and your different and a horribly bad mime

-your alone tonight that makes sense…

(farts)
-you love my scent
-not that scent!!!

-Your late..what happened to you?
-she stayed over at my apartment last night
(everyone stops and stares)
-I slept on the couch
-until I woke her up with my African rain stick

(cell phone rings)
-I got to get that!
(takes it away from her)
-that’s not fair!
(takes phone and put it in the refrigerator)
-no cell phones!
-it could be important!
-no cellphone

-How reliable is your alarm clock?

-That was brand with a donut…a brand donuts!

-You must pay for everything in this world one way or another…nothing in this world is free

-I admire your sand

– In your four years as a us marshal have you shot?
-Shot or killed?

-You said your where backing up what direction where you going?
-Well normally I go back

-They tell me your a man with true grit

-Baby  Sister

-I just came from–
-We have no rodeo clowns

-You give out little sugar with your pronouncements

-Wait a minute are we trading again?

-No mam’ I’m not suppose to utter your name!

-that’s so, so, so…
-when you come up with an adjective  text me

-are you even listening to me?
-yes blah blah hopeless delusion involving  (girls name) blah blah

-I’m a pretty smart guy and my brain has debs on the blood supply…so give it a go (talking after sex)

-I don’t know if I could be friends if we broke up
-you couldn’t
-I’m a very revengeful person

-that’s kinda hard to do when your being a tool bag!

-I hold a grudge like a nun

-you know the wedding starts at three? You have been getting ready since before dawn they’ll probably be divorced by the time we get there!

-I love my family but you guys actually talk to each other and I find that interesting…

-there will be wine, women, and haunting images you don’t be able to forget until your death

-more widow casserole. Hey your husband just died here’s some food

-your daughter likes my shirt
-and my daughters nine

-I’d kiss you on the lips but your breath is very bad this morning

-I’ve heard losing a loved one is like an amputee patient learning to live without their limb

-When you get the answer your looking for you hang up!

-I remember my first fight with (wife’s name)
-who won?
-I brought a knife to a gun fight

-this is gonna set the tone for every fight for the rest of your life!

-just crush all of his ideas you’ll thank me later

-I’m here. I’m starving.

-I have this colorblind thing I see colors I just don’t care

-learn to accept losing over and over again…like the clippers

-there is a new sheriff in town…sheriff balls!

-The pillow is zapping my will to live!

-Mom smokes in the car…Jesus is okay with it but we can’t tell dad!

-your my girlfriend and you aren’t going to cater to my every whim? Where did the magic go?

-my shrink just killed himself and blamed me in his note

-I’m sure someone in the Downer party said the snow would stop to…I like to think they ate him first

-I can go so slow it will be like there is a snail in your mouth
-Ewwwww! Its a good thing there is nothing else to do!

-He’s sad!
-He’s crazy! It’s meant to look like that to draw you back in!

-of course you get a card! It’s (name) day!

-I wonder if we will run into Steve
-who’s Steve?
-The raccoon I feed him sometimes

-I’m not gay but this look like Thor!

-Sometimes when I get mad at you I turn the poundage up on your scale

-You should have just read my diary
-That’s where we drew the line…we couldn’t find it!

-I’m a total wuss that raccoon kicked my ass!

-And I’m sad Ozzy got fat and stupid but thats life live with it

-This is the most exciting thing that was happened to me!! Is that sad?

-people who get married are not to be trusted

-it’s ringing
-that’s pretty standard

-I had the dentist pen!

-you tell me this in home depo so I won’t make a scene?

-We have a stage four bromance on our hands!

-No and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere!

-yes that’s what I think and I’m super smart so it must be right

-no what you see is a man trembling with confidence

-it’s not going to happen we had a meeting

-God invented match.com for one reason…me!

-We are going to settle this like gentlemen or I’m gonna poison his tea whichever works

– I could be wrong, I’m not, but I could be

-it’s not for money just for dads pride (talking about pools and contest)

-you said I’m boring my gun has two barrels it was very hard to make…

-Embark the vehicle!!!

-it’s a lot of conflicting emotions!

-He kept his mouth to himself, but his hands were like Starbucks. They were everywhere.

-bad news is your pipes are leaking good news is the pond in you basement is drowning the slower fatter rats…bad news the faster smaller rats are heading this way

-the buicks out of the garage (talking about a guys fly being down)

-your shaking!
-of course I’m shaking I’m having a heart attack!

-you look like a clown that got kicked out of the circus

-ah memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle

-hang in here like a hair in a biscuit

-there is a reason sky divers pack two parachutes

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